The Watchdog: Ken Paxton released a report clearing himself of any and all crimes. How brilliant is that?

You and your office released a 374-page report that supposedly clears you of all wrongdoing in a case in which you stand accused of using your powers to help a friend who is also a campaign donor.

I’m surprised you haven’t already done this in your separate securities fraud case you’ve been fighting now for six years. Clear thy own name. Wow.

Why didn’t I think of that when I received a one-week suspension in the fifth grade for using foul language? I should have cleared myself in a report to the principal.

My grandmother from the old country would have called this a great example of chutzpah. It’s probably not a word anyone much uses in Minot, N.D., where you were born. But Dictionary.com defines the Yiddish word’s meaning as shameless audacity, arrogance, nerve and gall.

To use it in a sentence, you, sir, displayed extraordinary chutzpah when you cleared yourself of all crimes.

The word is not pronounced like it’s spelled. It’s not shutz-pa. It’s more like hootz-spa. You could print T-shirts that say, “Full of chutzpah.” (Wait, I just checked. You can already find them on the internet for $19.90.)

I admire the way you flipped the scenario. You had eight staff members accuse you of wrongdoing for allegedly favoring buddy Nate Paul, an Austin real estate investor, with special treatment. These officials, who worked in the office with you, claim you abused your power as the state’s top law enforcement officer.

But you blamed them for the wrongdoing instead. Beautiful.

Such malcontents. Good thing they no longer work for you. Who needs employees with a conscience?

I love the way empty moving boxes were placed in the hallway near some of their offices. The message was clear: Time to go, you traitors.

Darn those whistleblowers. Such tattletales.

In an explosive lawsuit, several of them wrote that you “became less rational” in your decision-making and more “unwilling to listen to reasonable objections” to your instructions.

They claimed you became obsessed with helping Paul, also under FBI investigation, achieve goals he needed for his business.

It appears you used state employees paid with taxpayer dollars to issue this unsigned report, which comes complete with the state seal of your office. But there’s not even an author’s name on your report.

You even hired an outside lawyer to investigate if Paul was unfairly targeted when FBI agents raided his home and office two years ago. That’s loyalty we can admire!

Sure the FBI is investigating you for cronyism because of favors you allegedly did, but a man is allowed to have friends, right?

How thoughtful of you to have already done the FBI’s work. Agents can read your report, then go home early.

If a columnist like me calls your office (which I did) and asks who authored the report, how much it cost and why you didn’t hire outside, impartial investigators (which I tried to ask), you ignore the questions.

You are under no obligation to be accountable to reporters or the public. Hey, you’re the top guy.

I love how you are almost single-handedly wrecking the credibility of the Texas open records law. You don’t release documents that are requested, but then they show up in your report.

Since your office oversees what requests are ready for release, your alleged personal use of the open records law to suit your whims should not be forgotten. Don’t you hate it when the public wants to know what’s going on?

Inquiring members of the press and public can be such nudniks. (Yiddish for annoying.)

Your former employees who accuse you of wrongdoing, including abuse of office and bribery, are obviously jealous that nobody has put moving boxes outside your office door.

Let’s call this strategy the Ken Paxton Doctrine.

Everyone ever accused of anything in Texas should take note: Investigate yourself. Gather emails, texts, snapchats and any other evidence that can be pushed out to prove innocence. Write a report clearing yourself. Don’t sign an author’s name. Hand it in, then ignore all questions.

Is it a winning strategy? Every day you stay in elected office is another day you win.

As my grandmother would say, Mazel Tov.

Sincerely,

The Watchdog